erasarius

LJ is the new FYAD!

I just found out the reason why Shelby was late. Let's just say that the pills didn't work as well as we had hoped. And I thought losing paint was a big deal...

I just saw the movie Rising Sun again, which was based off the book. While the movie wasnt great, it was still pretty good. This movie appears to be one of many concerning fear of a Japanese takeover of the American economy in the early 90's. In the movie, Sean Connery's character was apparently a consultant or something to Japanese and American corperations doing business together. It was actually pretty cool to see how he interacted with the Japanese business men. I realize that if I don't like design, that would probably be something I would do with Asian studies. It's pretty interesting if you ask me. We'll see how things go I guess. If anyone has the book, though, I would like to borrow it.

I was talking to my Dad a bit today about Key West. It sounds like it was a really nice place. He didn't even realy work too much when he was down there. Every one knew eachother down there too. All your neighbors were your friends. I suppose the college dorms are sort of like that, minus the beaches and living space. I think I would like that feeling. I seem pretty detached from everyone where ever I go elsewhere. I mean, if you were a local, you could have walked into any bar and you knew the people there. You would even get free drinks, as they made all their money off of the tourists. I know that my parents eventually left because they owed people toomuch money down there, but I think they could both stand to see the islands again. I could too for that matter...

So far my spring break has consisted of watching tv or movies and doing my art assignments. I haven't even eaten out once, as my family down here in VA is on a tight budget. I usually have a few beers before bed, which is nice. It would be fun to get tipsy/drunk with a friend, but I don't really have too many down here. You know, sitting on my ass all day wouldnt be so bad if I didn't have all those mundane art assignments to do. Blah, stupid sketch book. This is not to say I don't like design; however, I am definately more interested in computer modelling than traditional arts and graphic design.

I always feel like there is something hanging over my head at all times. There is always a due date, forms to fill out, people who need seeing, etc. For once I would like to be able to say, "I can do whatever I want and not feel the guilt of putting something off."

At least I get to go to my favorite restaurant today...

One cannot become a master in a day. It takes a great deal of time and effort to become proficient in anything. That is one of my greatest shortcomings—that I always expect instant satisfaction. I looked at some 3d artwork last night and was absolutely amazed by what I saw. I was amazed that we have come so far technologically. I remember a time when any color besides green on a computer screen was magnificent. When I saw these images, I thought to myself, “How can I ever hope to achieve such greatness and beauty? Who am I to think I can accomplish such things when I can barely make a simple unrendered model? Why even try at all?” This is what I have been telling myself for the past two years, “That I couldn’t possibly be that good.” It happened with programming, it’s happened with Japanese, it happened with the military, it’s happened with exercise—the list stretches as far as my imagination has run over this period of time. I feel as though I am my own worst enemy.

Over the course of my life, I had grown so accustomed to be able to pick up anything simple and do excellent for my level almost immediately. Once I hit college though, the scope of things just blew out of proportion. Things have become so advanced and complicated that even the masters themselves cannot know their entire field. My mind has difficulty seeing that though. I will find something new, become very excited about it, and start to learn about it. It is at that point where I start to really see how advanced the field is. My mind starts to doubt itself as it tries to figure out how I could possibly become that good in that particular field before I finally need to start using it. I haven’t lost my perfectionistic tendencies, I just haven’t had the drive to show it! There it fucking is!

I think to myself, “No one would want to hire me when I graduate or give me an internship. I just don’t know enough information.” I feel that unless I can perfect and produce something that is better than everyone else’s, there won’t be a place for me outside the classroom. I compare my abilities so much to other people that I just end up surrendering myself to uselessness; and so I search for something else that is new and exciting, feeling naïve and helpless to the situation which will soon repeat itself.

I want to change all this though. I want to become fluent in Japanese. I want to produce beautiful things. I want to become physically strong. I want so many things from life. I need to understand that I cannot change these things over night. My life will not end with school (hopefully). Life IS learning! If I can’t master these things during school, I can master them as I work or travel or whatever else I could do! Someday, my dreams will be realized!

Bleh, more holiday stress, but I am pushing through it.

I have been thinking about a way to solve my creativity problem that I mentioned in my last post. I may have found an answer. This coming semester, I am going to try and take Design Foundations I and perhaps another Design Arts course. Some of you may say, "Liam...art?!?!" Well, I have done some Graphics Art and 3d modelling over the past couple years and have found it most intriguing. I still plan on getting my Cog Sci and Asian Studies degrees, but if I really like the courses in Design, I may end up taking that a 5th year or something. Who knows? I am really excited about it though, so it better not let me down like so many other courses!

I think I may have discovered the key reason for my recent lack of drive, interest, and perhaps depression. Perhaps these are caused because I have lost my sense of creativity. I recall that before all these things hit me, I used to constantly come up with new creative projects for myself. In the past I have done creative things like art, poetry, writing, graphic design, modding, programming, and some other things I can't recall. I used to constantly hop from field to field, never really becoming advanced in anything but always trying new things.

However, I haven't really done much of anything creative the entire year. My mind constantly searches for new things to try, but I don't feel I can act on any of those thoughts. As a result, I feel that I can do nothing significant. I must find a way to express my creativity soon, and get back what I have lost...

Merry Christmas, everyone! I am doing well back at home. I finally got into the Christmas spirit yesterday. I did better than I thought I would this semester, and my GPA comes in at just over 3.5. Dean's list again, yay! Hopefully I can keep that going til I graduate. Still haven't had a revelation about what I want to do about my major. I still think about it nearly every day. I am sure something will come up eventually. I hope everyone is doing well! Have a great holiday season!

My counselor says that I am always saying there are no opportunities. It really is me that's the problem. I think, now, that perhaps there are so many opportunities in this life that I can't seem to sort them out. I can't make sense of them. Life is my playground, and yet, I can't find the swing...